YOU HAVE TO FALL BEFORE YOU FLY

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I had an interview this morning. It was different from other interviews I’ve had. The woman conducting it was a new mom. She kept repeating throughout that I was an inspiration to her. That my candor and honesty has supported her though some troublesome times. While her words made my heart flushed, I couldn’t help but think; “But you do know I’ve travelled to hell and back, right? That what you are seeing now is three years of deep internal meditation and cleansing and healing?”

Now on the other side, my life is ticking along quite nicely. My personal work is paying off and I’m finding my groove in being a mother. But while looking through old vacation photos when Phoenix was 6 months old, I remember so vividly the haze and heaviness I felt. Walking through the motions, not really knowing who I wanted to be, losing my drive to fight for anything on the career front, begging for some moments when I felt “normal” and just hoping to survive. I physically couldn’t see straight.

There is so much damn pressure for a new mom to come out unscathed. Arms blazing, body “bouncing back” (why the hell do we even get pressure to focus on our bodies when we should be focusing on our newborn, is beyond me), and to have it all figured out.

I think lack of community mixed with intense female career pressure, peppered with no true societal support makes it very easy for a new mom to feel like it’s all too much.

But the thing is, you just have to get through it. Through every wakeful night, through every thought of broken dreams, through the guilt you feel about almost every damn thing. Through every judgement from those outspoken mothers, that you realize are just as freaked out as you. You have to fall before you fly. And when you come out on the other end, you have a resilience that’s unbreakable. A confidence that’s impenetrable and a deep understanding of what type of mother you are. And you won’t give two fucks about what people say or think about you.

As I look at new moms with the glazed-over eyes, I just want to run up to them, squeeze them tight and say “I promise you’ll return”. You might come back in different packaging, packaging you might like better or worse but you’ll return all the same.

You have to fall before you fly.

Tonight I tucked my three year old in to bed and I said; “You know mummy loves you so much, right?” and she responded “Yeah mummy I do. I’m proud of you mummy”.

I took a beat and it let that sentiment land. I’m proud of me too.  And it made me think, maybe, just maybe, I’m finally starting to fly.

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CREDITS

  • Julia Moses

    Looking forward to the day when I will no longer give two fucks! Great and hopeful piece!

  • Ros M

    I hope I can begin to fly sometime soon too. I have been down a very rough and bumpy road. A road no one would imagine I have been on if they took one look at me. I feel like my whole life has been that way and I just want to feel like I have landed on my feet for once. You are so lucky and so blessed to not have to stress about what you will do for bills, and for food. you have security. I am only secure for moments at a time, i never know if it’ll last. I met my husband when I was in college and we wound up moving in together and we got our own apartment and things seemed fine until he hurt himself landscaping so then i had to drop out of school and begin to work full-time at my job. we had been together for a year so when he asked me to marry him i said yes. well while he was injured he became depressed, and he eventually developed psychosis , and it only got worse as the days went on. well then i find out that i am pregnant…. good way to start a pregnancy stress free right, wrong. anyways one day i come home from work and he is freaking out crying on me, telling me all these delusions and his paranoia thoughts so I call my step-mother and she prays with me because I feel that is all I can do Is just pray and hope it gets better. After we pray she talks to my husband to give him some words of encouragement and after that he has a breakdown and walks out the door, so I tell her I have to go. So I grab our puppy, and I put her on the leash and walk out the door to go look for my husband. While I am walking around looking for my husband and almost peeing on myself almost 20 minutes of searching finally paid off. I find him sitting in the middle of the street, and I try to convince him to come back to the apartment with me but He won’t listen, he thinks someone is after him. So the only thing I can think of is to call his parents, well his parents talk to him and convince him to go back with me to the apartment and they make a 3/4 hour drive to us to come and get us. so we pack up some clothes and the puppy’s stuff and hit the road. as soon as we get there we rest for the night and the next day we have to go to a mental hospital and get my husband checked it. to shorten the story since then he has been in the hospital two more times and even though he no longer has the delusions and the paranoia, he has constant disorganized thoughts and logic about everything. and i stay home with the baby, while he works. he can’t keep a job because he believes he will find something that pays better so he jumps from job to job putting us behind which leaves us worried about the bills and student loans i now have to pay back since i am no longer in school. i wish i could just work but i have no one to watch the baby and no way to pay for daycare, i wish there was a way i could work from home and get paid too then that would help me out a lot. i wouldn’t have to rely on my husband, while i wish i could he is unreliable. i feel like i am stuck in a hole and sometimes i just wanna cry. sometimes i wonder if anyone else in the world knows how i feel, and has the slightest idea of what i have been through. anyways i love you Tammin, I am a fan of yours. I follow your blog on instagram and you’re a great person and a wonderful mom role model. hope all is well with your family. god bless you.