I grew up a fat girl. I was close to 200 pounds and was mercilessly teased throughout my early adolescence and yet, I remember being a happy child in spite of it due to the fact that my parents showered me with affection and self-worth. I spent most of my early years in the theatre program learning how to make people laugh. The funny fat girl always gets through high school, I thought. Fly under the radar, don’t make too much noise and keep moving.
I distinctly remember when I got my first period. I went to the bathroom and spotted a tiny red hue that stained my underwear. Even though my mother and I were joined at the hip, I was overwhelmingly embarrassed and I denied the fact that this was truly happening. More to myself than anyone else. So now I guess I was becoming a woman. But what did that truly mean? I guess it meant that my body was ready to produce, that my body was starting to “turn on” and yet I couldn’t find myself further from the truth. I was a 14-year-old woman. A girl. A child. And I was becoming distractingly confused by all the churning of desires and emotions that were beginning to rumble.
The years that followed produced an immense amount of change. I lost 85 pounds, by nothing more than true healthy living, and started to become the object of some men’s desire. Not to mention I was cast in the biggest show in Australia and in the first few months landed 20 magazine covers. Talk about a mind fuck. I had identified myself with weight and being invisible and now for the first time I was being seen and I felt completely exposed and ill equipped.
Then one day it started to switch. At the ripe old age of 17 I started to feel like my ‘Sex’ was a power. A power I owned and could use to my advantage. I became seriously involved with a man and made the conscious decision to lose my virginity to him on my 18th birthday. It was painful, unromantic and confusing. What was all the fuss about I thought. Then began my life of sex. I guess I now had a “sex life”. Awesome.
Sex to me for many years became an act. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it, but the whole experience for me was to put on a show. To show the man that I was sexy, that I was naughty, that I was experienced and was his true fantasy. If I could make him believe it then maybe, just maybe, I would feel it too. I believe women are taught from an early sexual age that sex is a man’s game, that we are just the participants, not winning or losing, just playing. That a true sexual awakening for a female is shaming and something that we should not be too vocal about. I can’t even tell you the times that I would be in a sex act and an ex partner would reach climax and then it would be over. Why have men (and not all men, just the ones I sexually encountered in my early sex life) think it’s ok not to try and please a woman? And most women I talk to are ok with that?! For women to use vibrators because it’s easier for them to “feel” something or those who are in long term relationships and have never orgasmed. LADIES, there is something fundamentally wrong here! Did you know that if you want a child you have a higher chance of conception when the woman orgasms WITH a man. It is what our bodies are designed to do to procreate. Why are women so afraid to enjoy sex? Is it religion? What confuses me is that sex in a marriage in most religions is allowed to be enjoyed. Men certainly enjoy it. Is it because men have been taught for so long that a powerful, sexual woman isn’t fitting to be a mother of their child? “Those” types of girls are just the fun time girls right? The ones you never settle down with. Is being sexual and maternal mutually exclusive? No wonder females say no to sex. That we don’t desire it. Well, maybe it’s because we haven’t been turned on for a fucking long time. I’ve pondered these questions for too much of my life.
I have been in my marriage for 5 years, 10 years together and we have an extremely healthy sex life. My husband has never made me feel shameful or embarrassed for my healthy sexual appetite. He has done everything in his power to learn about my body and understand what works for me. So at some point in my marriage I stopped “putting on a show”. I stopped the big old act that I realized I was probably doing more for myself than for him and started to enjoy the experience. To be free in my own orgasm and to not feel ashamed. Not only is it healthy for me to have sex, but I fucking enjoy it and that’s ok.
Ladies it’s time we speak up. To our friends, to our partners, to ourselves. It’s not a taboo topic, it really isn’t but if we don’t talk about it, how can we ever be satisfied? I’ve learned through the last 11 years that men like to be fixers. So vocalize yourself. If you have already embraced your sexual tiger – good for you! Maybe your job is to unleash the people around you and open up that conversation.
From one sexual lady to another,