Pre-baby, remember those days? When you had all these ideas and opinions about just the type of parent you would be. The things you would and would definitely not do. No packet food, no sugar, no dummy, no yelling and most definitely no swearing. And then the baby comes along and lets be honest, at least fifty percent of those ideas and philosophies around parenting go out the window and we adopt the more casual view of “whatever the hell works”. So, nearly two years on, here are eight things I thought there was no way I’d ever do back in those blissfully quiet pre-baby days.

Controlled Crying

Straight onto the oh-so controversial topic of CIO. If you told me before I had Eva that I would ever listen to her just cry herself to sleep, I probably would have told you that you were a little mad, and most likely criticised parents who did do that. I thought I’d be one of those hippy like, co-sleeping kinda mums. But when you a get a child who’d rather whack you in the face than even think about sleeping in the same bed as you or one where literally NOTHING else works BUT letting them whinge to sleep, you just have to go with it. Do I like it? Nope, I hate it. But when she’s fighting sleep, it’s literally the only thing that works.

Talk about poo, a lot

Oh my god, how ridiculously often do we talk about poo? If you think about it, its definitely more than once a day. The questions generally go a little something like this: what was the poo like? Did it look weird? How big was it? She hasn’t done one for days, how do I get her to poo? Seriously, another poo? Then there’s those glorious moments where you’re up at 3am asking Google if that poo colour is normal, is she sick? And then when they can talk, you start chatting to them about poo. It just never ends.

Speak in third person

I remember hearing other parents do it and thought to myself I’d never be one of  those lame types. “Oh Josh get down, mummy doesn’t like it when you do that”. Hell no, I’d never do that. Oh, hell yes I would. The best is when you refer to your partner as Daddy, like “Eva take that toy to Daddy and he’ll change your nappy”. I have actually caught myself saying to Colin before “Mummy is very tired today” … shit, who have I become?

Wish I was back at work in front of an excel spreadsheet

I remember a few weeks after Eva was born I was sitting in the park in the sunshine thinking about how amazing maternity leave is and that it beat work any day. Then, comes those days where baby Eva would scream and cry ALL DAY, or toddler Eva would whinge and throw epic tantrums all day long, and suddenly, that once hideous excel spreadsheet seems like some sort of glorious mini break to Byron Bay. Argue with a toddler for 30 minutes about why they cannot eat a raw chilli OR sip coffee, listen to tunes and punch in data… I know which one I’d rather!

Read Where is the Green Sheep whilst being sick into the toilet

One I never could have imagined happening. Being a mum really does make you take multitasking to a whole new level. As does having gastro. Thanks daycare bugs. Okay, I really, really hope this one never happens again.

Use the  TV as a means to get shit done

We have this awesome babysitter, she’s free, and available whenever you need her. Her name is Peppa Pig, and she’s quite possibly my favourite person ever. There’s also this other little dude called Curious George who comes in at a close second. I was sure I would never use the television as a replacement mum. My babe would play quietly alone with her blocks whilst I prepped dinner or folded washing. Ha, DREAM ON GIRLFRIEND, if you want to get shit done, old mate Peppa Pig is basically your bestie.

Become my Mum

Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, as my mum is awesome, but I think we all have in our head those things our mums used to do that we hated. Like yelling or telling us what to do. Over the last few months I’ve noticed myself saying a few things that basically could have been directly out of my mums mouth. I also hate mess, like to be organised, vacuum twice a day, and fold my undies. So, basically I am my mother.

Give in to the tantrums

Eva is basically the queen of tantrums. If there was some sort of Academy Award for “Best and Most Dramatic Tantrum” she would win it, hands down. I totally always thought I’d hold my ground with my tiny person, I’d be calm and reasonable but still get my point across and I’d never, ever give in. Nowadays, if we’re having a bad day and she wants to open four packets of biscuits at the same time and giving in will avoid an epic melt down, then go for it. She wins, a lot more of the time than I care to admit.


This article was originally published here

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