THE DAILY STRUGGLE OF A HIGHLY ANXIOUS BRAIN

_52A0051-2

Wake up. Check your messages. Check your email. Scroll through your newsfeed. Kiss your husband. Message your family. Get out of bed.

Brush your teeth. Wash your face. Find your clothes.

Don’t think yet. It’s not time to think yet.

I’m tired.

Work. Do your research. Send your emails. Keep things moving. What needs to get done now? What needs to be done later? What can wait? What can’t wait? Figure it out. Solve the problems. Upload the articles. Interact with the followers. Do more research. Answer text messages. Check in with your husband. Schedule that meeting. Count your blessings.

You have so many blessings.

But I’m tired.

Get in your car. Take a breath. One job down, one to go.

Pick up the kids. Stop the fights. Take them to gymnastics. Stop the tears. Bring them home. Stop the yelling. Help with their homework. Stop the pushing. Make them dinner. Stop the whining. Put them to bed. Start the waiting.

I’m still tired.

Finally home. Another breath. Kiss your husband. Clean the mess. Watch TV. Avoid your thoughts.

But that won’t work.

What’d I miss today? Who did I forget to talk to today? Who hasn’t heard me say I love them recently? Why didn’t I go to the gym? Do I hate myself? No, I don’t hate myself, do I? I think I love myself, right? What did I eat today? Was it enough? Was it too much? Did I forget to drink water again? When was the last time I washed my sheets? When was the last time I scrubbed the bathroom? Does my husband think I make him do too much? Am I needy? Oh fuck. I think I’m needy. I whine all the time. Why do I do that? When was the last time I asked him how he was? When was the last time I really heard his answer? What can I do differently? Why don’t I call my grandma’s more? Have they forgotten how much I care about them? I should call them, but I can’t call them tomorrow I have too much to do. I’ll call them this weekend.

I probably won’t call them this weekend.

What would we talk about? Why is my hand shaking at the thought of dialing their number? Am I disappointing my parents? When do I reach the age where I stop seeking my parents approval for every decision I make in my life? Have I reached that age yet? I think I’ve reached that age. Why am I still so concerned about making them proud? Why can’t I just make myself proud? Stop thinking about yourself so much. Your problems are not that big. Have you checked in with your friends? Have you asked them if they’re OK? Help them fix their problems and then you’ll feel better about your own. Make sure your siblings don’t need help with anything. Make sure your nephews don’t go too long without hearing your voice. Don’t let them forget how much you love them. After you do that then you can focus on yourself.

7 hours and 16 minutes until my alarm goes off. I need to go to sleep. Kiss your husband. Tell him goodnight.

“Goodnight.”

Why am I always tired?

I shouldn’t be this tired.

It’s time for bed. I’m not that tired. It’s in my head.

I just love the quiet that comes with sleep. Sleep is my only real escape. I can’t hear my phone ring when I’m sleeping. I don’t have to know I received an email if I’m sleeping. I don’t have to help anyone with their problems while I’m sleeping. I don’t have to live up to any expectations when I’m sleeping.

Everything is quiet when I’m sleeping.

It’s just me when I’m sleeping.

Except it’s not just me when I’m sleeping because I can’t fall asleep unless my husband is laying next to me. Why am I so needy? Why can’t I fall asleep without having some part of me touching some part of him? Just let me rest my hand on your chest. Let me feel your warmth. Calm me down. Keep me sane.

You should be able to keep yourself sane. Stop being so dependent on other people.

But I’m not dependent on him.

Yes, you are.

No. I’m not.

5 hours and 23 minutes until my alarm goes off. Stop counting down the time until you have to wake up. Just go to sleep. Just turn down the volume in your head. Just relax.

But also, call dad tomorrow. Well, call dad and then make sure you call mom right after or she’ll be upset that you didn’t call her too. How come my siblings never call me? Why do I always have to call them? Have they forgotten about me? How come they don’t come and visit more? They’re busy. You are all busy. Stop thinking about it. Stop being so fucking anxious about everything.

Just.

Fall.

Asleep.

CREDITS

  • Ruth Eaton Platter

    This is so true and so my life…. it’s even worse when your a single parent!!